Family Conflict Series Episode 3: Blended Family Dementia Drama – Who Really Knows Best?

Caring for someone with dementia can be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. It becomes even more challenging when family caregivers must deal with stepchildren or other members of a blended family who constantly undermine, criticize, and question their every decision. This can lead to feelings of frustration and anger for the primary caregiver.

Fortunately, there are effective strategies that blended families can use to navigate conflicts, maintain peace, and provide the necessary care for their loved ones.

In this article, we’ll explore the most common reasons for conflict in blended families when caring for a loved one with dementia, as well as approaches to resolving these issues.

Reasons for Blended Family Conflict in Dementia Caregiving

One of the most emotionally charged and frequently encountered tensions occurs between stepchildren and a spouse. When a spouse is the primary caregiver, stepchildren may feel a lack of involvement, which can lead to a strong sense of protectiveness toward their parent.

Stepchildren who live far away are less involved in day-to-day care, may still see their parent as they were before the dementia diagnosis, making it difficult for them to accept that their parent has changed. As a result, they may constantly question their stepparent’s decisions regarding medical decisions, their daily life, or finances.

On the other hand, the spouse may feel disrespected or unappreciated, especially when they believe they understand their partner's needs better, given their role as the primary caregiver.

Other factors for conflict in blended families include:

Loyalty and Protectiveness

When a parent remarries, it may be difficult for adult children to view the new spouse as part of the family. They may feel loyalty to their mother or father and may resist taking direction from a second spouse. Children may also fear that accepting a stepparent as a decision maker or caregiver could be seen as a betrayal of their other parent.

Trust Issues

Primary dementia caregivers are responsible for many critical decisions, including financial matters. Stepchildren may worry about how the spouse is managing financial assets, especially if their parent has substantial savings, property, or investments.

Denial & Emotional Resistance

Coming to terms with the effects of dementia is difficult for adult children. If they aren’t around to witness it, they may resist changes in their parents' behavior, both mentally and physically, as well as emotionally. Questioning a caregiver’s decisions is often easier than accepting their parents’ cognitive decline.

Fear of Losing Their Role

Adult children can be very territorial about their roles in blended families, and when a stepparent takes control, it can lead to conflict. They may feel like the stepparent is taking over and disregarding their place in the family.

How Can Blended Families Work Together

A dementia diagnosis can profoundly change an entire family, yet many families are unprepared for the challenges associated with caregiving. As the condition progresses, individuals with dementia often require round-the-clock care, making it vital for families to work together.

When some family members aren't closely involved in daily caregiving, they may underestimate the seriousness of the situation, leading them to feel that things aren't as bad as they’re being told.

For primary caregivers, maintaining family relationships and fostering open dialogue is crucial. This keeps the lines of communication open and helps blended families make unified decisions that prioritize the health and well-being of their loved one.

Here are 4 beneficial tips for caregivers to navigate family conflicts:

1. Acknowledge Everyone’s Emotions

While it can be difficult for busy caregivers to patiently acknowledge a frustrated family member’s emotions, doing so allows them an opportunity to express their feelings and concerns. Keep the conversation positive by recognizing you understand they love the individual just as much as you, and ultimately, you both want what is best for them.

2. Focus on The Individual with Dementia’s Needs

In blended family conflicts, it’s important to prioritize the needs of the individual with dementia. Keep disagreements centered on what is best for their health and happiness. The focus should not be on personal differences, bickering, or competition over who cares the most.

3. Hire a Professional to Mediate

Ongoing family conflict can delay crucial care for individuals with dementia. When blended families are unable to resolve disagreements, it may be necessary to hire a third party to mediate.

Professionals such as doctors, social workers, a dementia coach, or a geriatric care manager can explain care decisions and recommendations based on the facts and specific needs of the individual. Having the opinion of a professional can help family members focus on what’s best for their loved one.

4. Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is crucial for caregivers in blended family conflicts. Dementia caregiving is difficult enough without having to constantly contend with stepchildren or other family members who question or complain about everything. Caregivers must establish clear boundaries regarding what they will and will not accept in terms of behavior.

What If Conflict Can’t Be Resolved?

Despite a caregiver’s best efforts, blended families may sometimes struggle to reach a mutual agreement. If this is the case, it may be necessary to limit or discontinue contact with difficult family members. While this decision is never easy, protecting the care of a loved one comes first.

To establish legal authority, caregivers should consider hiring an attorney to establish a medical power of attorney. This legal document designates who is authorized to make medical decisions on behalf of the individual with dementia.

Wrap-up

Caring for a loved one with dementia is an emotional journey, made even more complex in blended families. Long-standing family tensions, dynamics, and conflicts can often unintentionally add pressure for primary caregivers. While navigating these challenges may feel overwhelming, it is possible to create a peaceful and supportive environment.

With open communication, empathy, professional guidance, and clear boundaries, families can find common ground. Most importantly, every effort should focus on supporting the primary caregiver and the person with dementia and ensuring they receive the compassionate care they need and deserve.

To learn more, listen to the “Family Conflicts Series Episode 3: Blended Family Dementia Drama - Who Really Knows Best?” episode of The Disappearing Mind, an award-winning podcast hosted by National Dementia Coach Dawn Platt that helps listeners navigate along their personal journey with dementia through exclusive and direct perspectives of people diagnosed with the disease, their caregivers and experts in the field.