Family Conflicts Series: When Dementia Affects Family Traditions

Family gatherings, and special events are an essential fabric of our lives. They are the blueprint for our memories and most meaningful celebrations. Traditions are what set families apart and are carried down through the generations. They have a way of magnifying everything: joy, memories, and nostalgia.

However, when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, these once comforting gatherings can become sources of grief, stress, and emotional tension.

What used to feel comforting may now feel chaotic and fragile. Family gatherings and traditions that once brought connection can now open old wounds, leading to conflict and heartache.

When Tradition and Transition Collide

Family gatherings are meant to bring people together. But when a loved one is living with dementia, these events can unintentionally open old wounds and create conflict. Siblings may have different expectations, some hoping to preserve the past, others unable to adapt to the present. These differences can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

It can be extremely difficult for family members to accept that their loved ones aren’t processing tradition as they once did; many beloved traditions may have disappeared from their mindset. Your popular, large, noisy family celebrations can become overwhelming, even though your loved one may have enjoyed them in the past.

Although many of our best memories are built on tradition, things change once dementia enters the picture, which can be extremely challenging for families to navigate and come to terms with. But unfortunately, grieving tradition is part of the dementia journey.

Families have to accept that old family celebrations may not work, but new traditions can and will lead to new experiences and special memories.

Planning with Reality and Compassion

Sometimes old traditions may not work anymore, and families have to plan smaller, more intimate celebrations. When families pivot from perfection to presence, this can open the door for events that are more realistic and more enjoyable for everyone involved. Quiet, meaningful moments that may not seem significant now will matter deeply in the future.

Before the next holiday or family event, ask yourself: Are we planning based on what used to be or what is realistic now?

Adjusting from big, bustling holiday celebrations and events may feel like you're forgetting your loved one, but in actuality, you’re adapting to who they are now.

Here are some practical, compassionate ways to plan family gatherings when a loved one has dementia:

• Simplify the guest list: Fewer people means less confusion
• Smaller gatherings with familiar faces: Trying to remember too many faces can be confusing and exhausting for your loved one
• Shorten the duration: A two-hour visit is often better than a full day
• Create a sensory-friendly environment: Soft lighting, soothing music, and a calm setting can prevent sensory overload
• Honor family traditions in new ways: Instead of a big holiday dinner, serve your loved ones' favorite pie, with festive music they love
• Highlight one part of a favorite tradition: Focus on one meaningful moment, such as baking cookies or decorating
• Designate care partners: Have one or two people quietly assigned to stay near your loved one to offer support and keep them safe
• Acknowledge emotions: It’s ok if someone cries or you have to cancel at the last minute. Give hosts and guests grace
• Be the peacemaker: Always support families and hosts. Hosts and guests should prioritize the needs of the person with dementia over their expectations.

Before planning your family event, take a breath and remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone! Caregiving for your loved one has been your primary responsibility. Let go of what you thought the family event or holiday had to be and embrace what it can be now.

Wrap-up

If you’re navigating and planning these special events or family gatherings with a loved one with dementia, consider creating new rituals and traditions, adjusting your expectations, and making room for grace. Be flexible, you might find beauty in the change.

This year, choose presence over pressure, peace over production. Your loved one may not remember all the details of the family gathering, but they will feel your energy, your mood, and your calm. That’s the gift that we need to try and give to them.

Love doesn’t disappear! It adapts.

To learn more, listen to the “Family Conflicts Series Episode 8: When Dementia Affects Family Traditions” episode of The Disappearing Mind, an award-winning podcast hosted by National Dementia Coach Dawn Platt that helps listeners navigate along their personal journey with dementia through exclusive and direct perspectives of people diagnosed with the disease, their caregivers and experts in the field.